Much like everyone, I’m feeling like a ping pong ball in a game of table tennis.. this feels real and heavy and crazy… and then, it’ll feel like nothing’s different, since my four walls that surround me haven’t changed.
I came to my mat tonight – for myself. For the first time in a while. I was going to follow along with a live stream instead of focusing on making one, like I have been.
About 15 minutes in, I was on my knees. Heaviness in my heart, feeling the pull of tears that didn’t have a mental reason to fall.
I just felt.
I decided to shut the live stream down, turn on my playlist I made yesterday – that I actually made for non-yoga related reasons, something that never happens, and let myself stay in child’s pose for as long as I wanted.
I read a post my teacher @reannacosta wrote the other day, that’s been sitting with me. It’s something I had felt, she had just put it into words – this became a synchronistic moment, the universe delivering what I needed to hear because the words from myself weren’t doing the job.
She wrote about teachers taking the time to come back to your own practice, driven from self.
So that’s what I did tonight.. I moved myself through only 5 restorative poses for the duration of my hour long playlist.
You know what I let myself finally admit?
My service to others has been strong – but my self service, has not. This has ALWAYS been my biggest area of struggle.
This last week of each job I had, falling out of the daily schedule – of course it was hard at first. It still is. But it’s also been so good for me.
It’s given me no choice but to face the discomfort I find, in reeling back in.
You see, when I teach, it IS a place that brings me joy and inner happiness. I LOVE sharing the practice, all I’ve learned in my life and being the provider of peace. But, I believe there is also such a thing as too much of a good thing.. we can find ourselves too far over on the pendulum.
Tonight, I heard the whisper of “slow down” & I listened.. Sometimes, it doesn’t take much. But it DOES take us listening and to finally surrender.