Growing up a cautious and nervous child, I have always had big, overwhelming emotions and a knack for feeling all kinds of empathy for others. These ‘sensitive’ emotions ruled me in all sorts of ways. New things were terrifying, stomach aches were aplenty, my nervous system was on high, therefore my immune system was low, so I was also always getting sick – my body never had the downtime to heal itself; it was too busy dealing with ‘threats’ it felt. It took me until my adulthood to self diagnose that I was riddled with Anxiety as a child. We just never labeled it in my house.
My mom supported me by making space for me to cry and express myself, but she also pushed my limits. She put me into acting lessons, enrolled me in soccer and signed me up for Dance classes when I was 5/6 years old. She wanted to get me involved to break me free. Some days, I resented her for making me go out there in the world alone. On others, I would internally settle enough to find some fun in my situation. But, my mind was constantly calculating, observing, staying on alert for the next switch up or vulnerable space that put me on display.
It was a hell of a road. In the end though, it did slowly build my confidence. I would remind myself over and over and over again that I had survived the last time I showed up to a competition, not knowing what exact door to enter through, where my dance group was going to be when I got there, where to put my things, when/where my mom would be in the audience. The more I would bring myself back to reflection, I saw my survival rate rise. As my survival rate rose, I started to feel slightly less worried, knowing I’d figured these scenarios out before so why should this one be any different.
I knew early on in my life that I was learning things that some adults weren’t. I started to notice stark contrasts in behavior when I was about 11. The facade of what your parents say, goes, wore off on me. Specifically when I was an observer around my friend’s families or watching teachers/authority figures with students. There were situations that would arise that caused me to go “that’s not right….” As I was learning what felt like ground breaking revelations, I had wanted to write it all down so I could tell other people the fast track to a better life, rather than having to learn things the hard way. I started a journal on it. But being 11/12, adults weren’t going to listen to me. And I started to realize my own age group wasn’t interested in what I discovered either, they were busy being a kid and just having fun.
So my road with the inner work started, naturally and silently . I hated conflict, it was extremely uncomfortable for me to be called out, I took EVERYTHING very personally (I once started crying and buried my face into my mom’s legs because a Home Depot employee politely asked me, for my safety, to get off the big moving stairs, from where I was calmly sitting.) So I learned to walk through life as carefully as I could. I learned from mistakes as quickly as I could, I learned the rules so I knew where my boundaries were to stay within.
Growing up, high school was one of my toughest times. Going through puberty, my body changing rapidly, sprouting stretch marks at 14 and becoming so embarrassed, thinking I was the only one. My insecurities started to rule me and a new angle to anxiety was unfolding. With so much going on externally as well as internally, I would get caught up when anyone paid attention to me. I started the adventures through dating boys. Liking anyone who showed interest in me.
The land of boys, relationships, friendships and just general human experience is where I’ve learned so much of my mindset. I’ve shifted thoughts a thousand times in my short life, I’ve fallen in love with people’s potential, I’ve actually lost myself in others because I tried to love them into loving me. I’ve had girls automatically become a ‘frenemie’ simply because I was at the mercy of their own insecurities. I’ve had boys treat me as a means to their own satisfaction and leave me in an emotional mess. The history of Narcissistic and Empathetic abuse runs strong in my story. Co-dependency, lack of emotional intelligence, a theme of maternal links. I’ve been in relationships that had experiences with severe Bi-Polar episodes, Alcoholism, Sudden Death, Divorce, Remarriage, Narcissism, Mama’s Boy, and more that I’ve probably blocked out at this point.
On top of all I’ve learned through observing, I’ve watched my own father slowly deteriorate over 4 years and become someone I didn’t know before passing away. Simultaneously, having serious adult conversations at 22 with my mom about Wills, Power Of Attorney, Re-Mortgaging, Ownership, Life Direction and all the heavy shit you didn’t think you’d have to deal with, being the child; the youngest child at that. Through the same time frame as my father, my sister, who is 6 years older than me, went through her own mental health adventure, brought on from a workplace accident, and continues to weave her way through the darkness of western medicine that has been failing her.
I never knew what career I wanted to work towards, when we were told to try and figure it out when we were still in high school. I valued all the work I had been doing internally. But I never had any idea how that was going to apply to a job. Fast forward to 23 when I was invited to a yoga class (during an absolute pit of a time in my life) where I found movement that helped my mind release the overdrive of thinking on reality.
September 29th, 2015 my dad passed away, the day after I had my wisdom teeth taken out, 5 days before I had to put my 19 year old cat down. 6 months later, my boyfriend of 5 years and I broke up, my mom had a lump discovered in her breast, she had skin cancer dug out of her forehead, my cat had been attacked by a coyote and I went into a spiral of grief and fear knowing I absolutely could not do any of this without her yet.
Shit got worse before anything got better. Because it had to for me to find my fight. After spending all my working years in the restaurant industry and feeling frustrated like I wasn’t doing anything that fulfilled me or truly helped someone, I saw a posting for yoga teacher training. I saved up, took the plunge and the whole universe winked at me.
I finally found how I was going to use all the insane experiences, personal observing I’d done, the calming of my own anxiety and turning my sensitive nature into my super powers. I discovered how much Yoga and path to enlightenment I had already been living! I had no idea. I was just following what made sense to me and was leaving anything behind that didn’t feel like it fit.
Now I live in the Okanagan, spreading my love through words, compassion and teaching others how to connect to their own minds and bodies, to live a life full of empowerment. I’ve risen up from feeling like that 11 year old that no one would listen to, to retraining my mind that I actually AM worthy of being heard. That I’ve got lots to offer the world and that it’s actually important to share it with those that want to show up for it.
Through my blog posts, there will some elaborated stories, lessons and mindful moments to share in. So thanks for being here. Thanks for listening!
You are worthy, you are loved and you are so much more than enough. ❤